I'll be okay (goodbyes suck)

I am currently working on the genre research post, but I felt the need to post this first.

I just said my goodbyes to my grandma. I am at peace because she is at peace.

The goodbye was tough. Goodbyes in general are probably the worst thing ever. I felt like I was expected to come up with the most emotional speech ever, and say everything I've always wanted to say to her. but it went something a little like this:

"Thanks for the delicious food. Also thanks for giving life to my dad. I love you and appreciate you. See you in a few years."

I couldn't find myself talking because of how painful it was. Words didn't flow. I couldn't stop crying. There were too many pauses.

Hopefully this whole project can make up for my poopy goodbye. I know she would be happier than ever. I am happy I am doing this. This will be good for me.

Whoever is reading this, I don't want you to think I'm exploiting my grandmother's death for quALiTy CoNTenT. This is an exploration of loss. This is something that will help me cope through the creation of art, which I believe is a beautiful thing. I am thankful I have this ability.

I wish she knew I was doing this.

Here's a picture of her as a beautiful young lady. This is when she moved to France at 16 to finish her studies. Je t'aime beaucoup toujours, Yaya.

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Update to this post. I am pondering a lot. Maybe too much.
I've been thinking a lot about that famous shower scene in Psycho. The woman dies in her shower, but the camera pans out of the bathroom while the water is still running to reveal her room. She has her nightstand there and on top of it, a newspaper. This is a clear depiction of the continuity of life. Life goes on. (ewwww cliché) It's true. Sue me.

I am thankful that her death wasn't anything sudden or tragic. Her presence is still strong within me. When you lose a loved one, living feels different. I feel even more motivated to continue than I was before. It feels less mundane. I feel the need to accomplish things she would've been proud to see. I feel the need to appreciate my loved ones even more.

This is my first time dealing with loss and I thought it would feel dark. Yes it is undoubtedly heartbreaking to lose that connection with someone, but I feel peaceful. I am okay.