But basically, yesterday was my grandmother's funeral. You could say I popped my funeral cherry (should I be joking??? idk). But it was tough and I was extremely anxious the night before. I was scared it would hit me even harder. And it did. It was a weird kind of sorrow. It didn't feel dramatic. It felt more static?? I guess I could use that word. It makes sense. The atmosphere was just off. It was a beautiful service, don't get me wrong. I felt a lot of union between family and friends which was very heartwarming. But it was just. Weird. I can't think of another word.
It was so mentally draining that I felt physically sick, and it kinda changed my whole idea of loss that I had before. I thought a lot about the comedic side in the beginning, but I didn't really think about that emptiness that is felt once it hits you. The good thing is that I now have a more clear perception of the feeling I want to end my film with—"further reflecting". I don't think I will accept this loss anytime soon.
Even though Wednesday and yesterday were both relatively dark days for me, I feel okay now I guess. It's a process. To be completely honest, I was scared that I would lose all motivation to continue creating this short film because of the effects on my mental health. But I am okay. I had a nice talk with my dad amidst my crisis and he helped me a lot. I don't think anyone else could make me feel better. Mariana also gave me a lot of good advice which I deeply appreciated and am currently following. Shoutout to u luv, you're a star and I'm thankful for our friendship🥺
But yeah moving on. School is cancelled until further notice because of the virus. I am quite scared. Not of the disease itself but more because it is putting the entire world on hold. It's putting a pause to our everyday lives, intervening with our routines. It almost feels apocalyptical. It's just crazy how this is happening right now. It's one more thing to worry about. I don't wanna sound dramatic and skeptical and all but it feels like the end of the world. I feel like we're being tested.
But yeah school is cancelled which does suck because it is interrupting our education and I will most likely feel useless in the next few weeks. BUT: yay for more time to work on this wonderful project and yay for self care???? School has just felt overwhelming and toxic over the past few weeks. This quarter has done me dirty. I am not happy it's cancelled because it is a horrible situation. But I guess there is a bright side??? idk
I am glad I get to work on myself for a little and concentrate on doing what I love—I will have full focus on this film which I am happy about :)
I have a little bit of hope.
In regards to this portfolio project, (wow, about time to talk about it) I am still finalizing the script and then I'd be ready to go! I will start filming once I get equipment, which will be next week. Ana, Jonathan, Mariana, and I will be renting stuff together which I am excited about! I really want to focus a lot on good audio quality, because it is something that my project lacked last year. I haven't really thought of making a storyboard yet because I definitely want to experiment with angles and composition during the making. But I am making a shot list, which I will talk more about soon.
In the meantime, here's a song that gives me a sense of hope. I love The Strokes, but I didn't really like this song when I first heard it. But I loved it when I watched the music video. It's very different from what they usually do (it's animated!!!!!) but it is so beautiful. What I get from it, is that life isn't fair to anyone, and everyone fights a different battle. But in the end, it all works out somehow.
Here's a few of my favorite frames from it:
^this is probably my #1 favorite one
I am so glad that you have this blog to help you LET IT ALL OUT. Regardless of what you submit (with all of the world stuff on hold), this will forever be a piece of art that you created out of blindingly beautiful love...
ReplyDeletethank you for this 🥺🥺<3
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